nearly a week in ...

been smoking about 7 a day for last few days ... painlessly
i think the drug is starting to have an effect, 7 cigarettes seems like so much more than 20+ used to ... when i was smoking a pack a day i never felt like i was always smoking, but now it feels like the 7 squares are filling my day. instead of smoking by the clock like i did the first few days i just smoke when i want to, and i seem to want it a lot less than i used to. according to the plan i'm supposed to up my dosage tomorrow, but i don't think i am going to. now that i see the effect it's having i would really like to take more, but i have a limited supply and am betting that one a day for more days will have the best overall effect ...
this has been a long week, and this weekend will be tougher ... amy's mom got released from the hospital today, and i'm sure amy will be back and forth to sun city a few times in the near future; that always puts her on edge, i think she just hates the drive more than anything else ... the kids are here until monday morning, and they make me want to smoke just to have an excuse to go outside; i love them, but they can get difficult ... money is getting to be a real sore issue around here, jobs are needed desperately ...
if i can get through the weekend at 7 a day, i will be happy. next week will be the week that things get serious. i need to find some kind of steady income by next friday (or at least put a fair number of hooks in the water), and i want to be at 3 a day by the 18th. if i can get it down to 3 by then, then i feel comfortable shooting for an x-mas quit date. that would be cool, because then my atheist ass would have a reason to celebrate on the same day the rest of the world has their little party ...
p.s. happy belated birthday, mom

baby steps

morning of the eighth. i didn't blog at all yesterday, never had that crushing urge to type. smoked 5 cigarettes yesterday, but i smoked them in pieces. slip outside, flame, puff, puff, stub ... get about 3 to 5 smokes from a cig that way ... still a much reduced nicotine input, just more evenly spread across the day. not sure if the zyban is helping or not, but it has gotten a little easier over the last three days.
i've been awake for about an hour this morning, made coffee and checked email. until i opened up the blogger interface and got about halfway through this blog, i never even thought about smoking this morning. of course, now i can't think about anything else.
in other news, i'm starting to feel a little bit healthier than i did a few days ago ... not ready for a marathon or anything, but definitely less trepidation when looking at stairs. i suppose it only gets better from here.

today seems just as good a day as any as well

fell asleep last night before my 10:00 ... woke up at 10:30ish and decided to stay in bed and not smoke.
woke up this morning about 7:30, just laid in bed for a while to not be tempted, but coffee's aroma snagged me by 9. i made it until ten to 10, but had to have it early. damn good smoke.
smoking my 2:00 now ...
it's funny, i am just as antsy as can be waiting for my smoke, but when i smoke it, it doesn't taste as good as it should ... starting to get a nasty taste.
just butted it out, but feel entirely unsatisfied. i'll do my best to keep busy until 6:00.

Fail

After dinner.

6 o'clock.
been staring at my watch for almost an hour. kept busy, but always knew what time it was. now i am outside, and still haven't lit my smoke. i think i am just savoring the thought of smoking before going on to the actual act of smoking. now that i am typing as well, the lighter is in hand. this trigger of "computer = smoke" is going to be particularly nasty, i think.
we put up the x-mas tree, (mostly i just ate yogurt-covered-pretzels and took pictures, but i helped some) it looks fantastic. the fake tree she had bought years ago had more burnt-out lights than not, so we got a new one today. it fits better in the nook provided, and amy has done quite well with the trimmings. now it is supper time, and i took off out of the kitchen like a bat out of hell at 6:00 ... i did get some veggies chopped before i left, though.
almost done with this cigarette, and i think i shall head in soon after butting it out.
see you on the next trip...

Blogaway

Grabbed an app called Blogaway from the market ... had to give it my gmail password in order to use it, thinking I need a better solution ... I seem to be able to enter as much as I want ... we'll see how it publishes. I entered the last post via sms, had to go in after it via desktop and stitch together the separate entries it made.... also curious if this Blogaway will let me add tags to posts.

Just had my 2:00 smoke ... I smoked a little at 2, a little at 2:15, and the rest at 2:30. A little irritable, but maybe just because I was shopping for x-mas decorations at Target. Feeling like I can do this, but knowing that it won't be easy.

Test

edit: i sent the word test from my phone ... seems i have sorted out the mobile blogging thing ... at least for entries of 160 or less characters ... next stop is learning how to do it via email for longer messages and pictures

apparently, i will also discuss my phone on this blog ... that's cool, i like my phone.

today is as good a day as any

last week, my sister gave me half a bottle of zyban, and a whole dose of quit-smoking speech.
i came home to phx and started reading up on zyban, and quitting smoking. it seems there are not very many reasons to continue smoking, although the reasons to quit are astoundingly numerous.
1. people that love me want me to stop
2. $$$
3. i got winded the other day (everyday, doing everything)
4. mom died of cancer, mom's dad has heart issues, dad's dad died of heart issues, dad's bro is in hospital waiting for new heart
5. i'm engaged, and i'd like to try married LIFE
6. it's getting too cold outside to sit outside all day
for reasons 7 through 1,000,000, visit http://www.google.com/search?q=smoking+dangers

i just took a pill. it is a little after 10 AM, and i handed my smokes to Amy (of aforementioned engagement) and told her i am not to get another one until 2 PM, and another at 6 PM and 10 PM. of course, i smoked one just now. tomorrow, i shall smoke at 10, 2, 6, and 10 again.
already i am looking at the ashtray trying to scout out a butt with some juice left in it. this could be tough. i'll have to dump the tray, and put all my butts in the shitter from here on out.
i'm going to bring my computer inside, drink lots of water, and stare at the clock until 2.
maybe i will use that time to see how hard it is to post on this blog from my phone. or take a 4 hr nap ... that would work well.
in any case, i have started a journey, and we shall see how it goes.